Paternal Advice
Today we drop our second son for his first year of college, and our first departs to begin his last. As their wings spread to carry them away, we burden them with a few words of paternal advice.
Athens, GA
August 12, 2023
“God’s gift to us is who we are. Our gift to him is who we become.”
-Eleanor Powell
To My Sons:
As you begin and resume college, I offer some parting thoughts I hope will help.
There are many ways to get where you’re going, even if you don’t know where that is.
It’s OK if you don’t, and I’d be surprised if you did. But you should at least understand where you are. It’s time to survey the terrain, pick up a scent, and align with the stars.
Most people spend their whole lives without direction. They merely drift, like a tin can on a vast sea.
Those who are successful defy the tide and ride the right waves. They chart a course, catch a breeze, and manage to overcome or control conflicting currents.
For the first time, our nest is empty. You’re both leaving home. We’ll miss you, but we’re not worried. You may not have the answers (who does?), yet you’ve always known how to figure things out.
Clarity about what matters provides clarity about what doesn’t. Life is full of questions. Keep asking them. Figure out what you think you want and what you truly need. Periodically remind yourself why it was important, and if it still is.
When assessing your desires, answer the question Epicurus asked: “what will happen to me if what is sought is achieved, and what will happen if not?”
Discover where to find what you should seek, who can help you get it, and how to ask them for help. When they tell you, listen…and act.
And don’t forget that much of the best advice comes from those who are dead.
There’s a disturbing tendency to disparage our ancestors. But the wisdom of the ages remains relevant today. It’s found in eternal lessons of ancient myths, old wives’ tales and…on rare occasions…parental advice.
Benjamin Franklin said that “experience keeps a dear school. Fools will learn in no other.” That’s another way of saying a wise man learns from others’ errors, a fool only from his own.
Similarly, Will Rogers identified three types of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. And the rest who have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.
You’ll make mistakes, and you should. He who doesn’t isn’t trying. But don’t make more than necessary. And when you do, find a way to acknowledge them without discarding the morsels of truths discovered along the way.
Benefit by the failures of the “fools” who came before. Listen to their stories and consider their advice, even (or especially) if your youthful reflex is to decide it’s wrong.
Our predecessors weren’t always right, but they’re usually worth hearing. Don’t be quick to draw disparaging conclusions, especially with the fading ink of passing fads.
It’s easy for the quick to criticize the dead. But what would our forefathers think of what their descendants have done? How would your children react if they knew everything you’ve done?
The third Delphic entrance maxim is “Surety Brings Ruin." Always remember how little you know. And never forget that he who is unaware of his ignorance will be misled by his knowledge.
Richard Feynman said he’d “rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned." Be suspicious of secular dogmatism, especially when cloaked in unassailable authority or dressed as settled “science”.
Unwarranted assurance is unbecoming in a spray of foam analyzing the ocean. Attain wisdom not by trying to prove others wrong, but by trying to prove yourself wrong.
Prioritize being wise over becoming knowledgeable. Not that you shouldn’t attain knowledge. But beware the modern compulsion to know more and more about less and less.
We have plenty of information. What we lack are people who know what to do with it and (most importantly) which of it to ignore.
The world is at your fingers. Literally. In your hands is infinite information you’d think our ancestors would envy.
But they probably wouldn’t. Seeing most of us use this power to waste our time might disappoint our predecessors. Yet I doubt it would surprise them.
But whether behind a screen or on a shelf, inherited insights are available like never before. Many of them are encased in faded covers coated in cobwebs and dust.
Grab a cloth and wipe them off. Crack the binding and begin to read. Then keep doing it. And never stop.
Mark Twain was right to note that “the man who doesn’t read has no advantage over the one who cannot read.” Don’t decide to be ignorant. Love books, and they will love you back.
Leaders are readers (and vice versa). And they’ll wonder what (or if) you’re reading as a way of assessing whether you’re worthy. Even if only for a few minutes, read books each day.
As you feed your mind, strengthen your body. Eat well and exercise regularly.
It’s said that healthy man wants a thousand things, but a sick man only wants one. Good health…mental, physical, spiritual…is your top priority. Without it, little else matters…or won’t for long.
Preserving health requires practicing your Faith. A fetching façade won’t mean much if there’s rot within.
Your body may be a temple. But it’s also temporal, while your soul is eternal. Never think the goblet is more precious than the wine.
CS Lewis said there were many things he wouldn’t bother about if he were to live only seventy years, but that he’d better bother about very seriously if he were to live forever.
The real question isn’t whether you’ll live forever, but where. Act accordingly. And remember that while actions might smile, consequences have teeth.
Everything you do is a trade with your future self. High achievers focus on the prize. Low achievers on the price. Winners envision the ends; losers obsess over the means.
Pursue virtue and repel vice. Be grateful, charitable, temperate, patient, diligent, and humble. This seems obvious, like something that needn’t be said.
But, as Chesterton put it, “every high society decays by forgetting obvious things.” So do good people. In Jefferson’s words, they often bite the bait of pleasure without knowing if there’s a hook beneath.
Peril is most easily evaded by avoiding waters where hazardous lures lurk. Know your surroundings and who you’re with. Even if not doing anything explicitly “wrong”, don’t put yourself where temptation loiters or trouble abounds.
Delay gratification. Lengthen your time horizon and reduce your time preference. This is the mindset that creates prosperity, sustains civilization, and salvages souls.
It’s been said that to make profound changes in our lives, we need either inspiration or desperation. Be inspired now so you aren’t desperate later.
St. Francis implored us to preach the gospel. And, when necessary, use words. Be charitable, generous, and kind. But don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm.
“Simplicity”, said DaVinci, “is the ultimate sophistication.” Don’t over-complicate. As Epictetus put it, “Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.”
Upon the point of death, things either mean everything, or nothing at all. That doesn’t mean we should discard or ignore anything won’t matter when we receive last rites.
But it reminds us to retain perspective. Most of what agitates us today will be forgotten in a few weeks, and often in several hours.
Lao Tsu observed if we’re depressed, we’re living in the past. If we’re anxious, we’re living in the future. But if we’re at peace, we’re living in the now.
Mark Twain reputedly said he’d “lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” All of us have.
We spend inordinate amounts of time regretting the past, worrying about the future…and missing the present, which is all we’ve got.
Except as an impulse to proactive effort, worrying is a waste. It’s “negative goal-setting”, a detrimental mindset that sets you back.
You can’t improve the past. But you can use the present to fortify the future. That entails planning, setting goals, and taking proactive steps to achieve those objectives. You should do this every week, and each day.
This requires discipline and detail, responsibility, and accountability. These are the picks and spades that harvest success. And I say this as someone…like a county construction worker on the side of the road…who spends inordinate time just leaning on his tools.
Don’t let perfection be the enemy of the good. Just keep hoeing and sowing. Determined persistence is more important than occasional intensity.
Recall Hamlet’s advice to “assume a virtue, if you have it not.” Develop daily routines that nurture healthy habits. And resist the impulse to fall into bad ones. They’ll start as cobwebs, but become steel chains.
Always be accountable. Treat everything as if it were your fault. By that I don’t mean you’re exclusively culpable for anything that goes wrong. But you should acknowledge that you placed yourself in a position where something could.
By taking responsibility you take control. You can’t dictate what others do. But you can decide what precautions to take.
Instead of reflexively blaming someone for causing a problem, ask what you could’ve done to prevent it from happening (or at least from happening to you). When tempted to condemn, follow CS Lewis’s advice: save your breath and cool your own porridge.
A common tendency is to set an almost unreachable standard for success while creating one for failure that is easy to meet. Stretch yourself, but be realistic.
P.J. O'Rourke quipped that “Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help mom with the dishes." Resist airy quests and grand crusades. Do the little things, do them consistently, and do them well.
And start now. The sun is shining, so make hay.
The most difficult part of any process is getting started. A space shuttle uses 96% of its fuel during takeoff. But once launched, it continues with little effort relative to what was required to get it into the atmosphere.
We tend to overestimate what we can accomplish in the short term, but underestimate what we can accomplish in the long term. So keep moving, even when you feel like you’re locked to the launchpad.
You’re embarking on the most important decade of your life. Make the most of your twenties. The title of Meg Jay’s book (which I gave you and that you should read) is correct. This really is the “defining decade”.
Everything you do in these essential years will compound (in one direction or the other) the way Hemingway described going bankrupt: gradually, then suddenly.
Now is the time for you to gain experience. You have few obligations, ample time, and little risk.
Take some chances. Go places. Try things. Meet people. Sometimes, as the African proverb has it, to get lost is to find the way.
When you’re twenty, no one assumes you know anything, and almost everyone’s willing to help. In ten years, neither will be true. And you’ll have less energy, additional commitments, and more to lose.
An old Wall Street story recounts “a man with money meeting a man with experience.” Afterward, “the man with the experience leaves with the money, while the man with money leaves with experience.”
Beyond money needed to live, at your age experience and connections are more important than wages or wealth. With skills and relationships, the money will come.
Whatever you earn, spend less, and save the difference. And while it’s nice to own a lake, it’s good to have a river. Establish reliable sources of income as you continue to fill your reservoir.
Meet plenty of people, focusing on those who’ve been where you want to go. We tend to resemble the few people we’re with the most. Be selective choosing friends, and remember it’s often better to have four quarters than a hundred pennies.
Friendships are like morning dew. It falls on roses, but also on manure.
True friends care more for their friends than about their relationship with their friends. As Thomas Sowell said, “When you care about yourself, you tell people what they want to hear. When you care about other people, you tell them the truth.”
Be honest with your friends, but also be vulnerable. Real friendship runs both ways. Lend an ear, but also be willing to borrow theirs.
With regard to women…be they friends or otherwise…honor them, and respect them. And avoid those who don’t appreciate you doing so.
For your benefit as much as ours, always treasure your family, and never take it for granted.
A few years ago, I discussed how many days a typical American sees his parents during the course of his life. By the time he graduates high school, 90% of them have already happened.
I helped sustain that statistic. Indeed, I probably raised it. Many men do. As the expression has it, “a son is a son until he finds a wife. A daughter is a daughter for life.”
That’s a bit of an overstatement, but it makes a point. Without doubt I see my parents far too infrequently. As with many of my examples, that’s one I hope you don’t follow.
We’ve always been proud of you, and never more so than as you set off to clear your trail. The woods are thick and the slope is steep. If ever they aren’t, that’s a possible sign you’re on the wrong path.
Now’s the time to make your map. You need your bearings, even if the route you’ve chosen is shrouded in mist.
That’s fine. But whether you change direction or chart a new course, do so with a moral compass that remains intact.
There’s no one road you’re confined to follow. By diverse means, we all come to the same end. But, regardless our disposition and talent, there are places for all of us along the way.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society,” argued George Bernard Shaw. “The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.”
Keep flying, but ensure you have a place to land. As long as we’re here, you always will.
But however high you go, we hope our love helps keep you aloft, and provides whatever encouragement you need to enjoy the ride.
Dad
Wow.